The dumpster-fire that was 2020 is in the rearview mirror and millions of us are looking forward to the new year. A brand-new calendar, a tabula rasa, here's hoping that it will be filled with luncheons, dinners out, movie dates, sporting events and everything we had to give up in the past year. I am looking forward to seeing my great-grandson, born last February, that I have yet to hold, hugging my son, and grandchildren and jumping in the car and going somewhere, anywhere. But until then, here is something that may bring a smile to your face.
In 2005, the 'Prophet' Bobby Henderson, wrote a letter protesting the teaching of Intelligent Design - another way of say Creationism - as an alternative to evolution, in the Kansas school system. The School Board ignored his letter and his suggestion, undeterred, Henderson sent the letter to several news organizations and TV stations. And many of them ran with it - though tongue-in-cheek - the word spread rapidly and the letters and emails of support began pouring in. And what started as a small protest turned into something much bigger.
Bobby Henderson called his religion Pastafarianism - a portmanteau of pasta and Rastafarianism. And he called his church, The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the church satirizes organized religion in a somewhat light-hearted way. The cornerstone of Henderson's church states that the universe was created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster after a night of heavy drinking, that, he says accounts for mistakes made in creation; i.e., the platypus.
Since Intelligent Design uses ambiguous references to a designer, it stands to reason any conceivable entity might fulfill that role, including the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM).
The basic tenet of the religion is that heaven, in the FSM, is a fountain that spews beer and a factory that produces strippers. In FSM hell, the beer is stale and the strippers all have STDs. This is opposed to sitting around forever with an old man who spied on you all your life; creepy when you think about it.
Pirates are the original Pastafarians and are considered 'divine beings'. They were persecuted in the Middle-Ages by Christian theologians and the Hare Krishna. They were in actuality, peace-loving explorers and spreaders of good will. Pastafarians believe that the ghosts of persecuted and murdered pirates are responsible for the Bermuda Triangle. So, to honor all the pirates of the FSM, adherents celebrate the Holy Day of September 19, 'Talk Like a Pirate Day'. Arrrgh!
The prevalence of global warming. earthquakes, and hurricanes are the result of fewer and fewer pirates. The growing number of pirates in the Gulf of Aden is why Somalia has the lowest carbon emissions in the world. Correlation does not imply causation. But then...
The Flying Spaghetti Monster has been described by those who claim to have seen the invisible creature, as a large heap of pasta atop two enormous meatballs, with eyes perched on stems and protruding from his top. And he has been portrayed as such, much like the icons of other prominent religions.
It is said that the Spaghetti Monster created the universe in 4-days (Monday - Thursday) and thus Friday is a Holy Day. Their religious holiday is called 'Holiday' and is celebrated in December somewhere during the time of Christmas, Chanukah, and Kwanza, but since it is a movable holiday it has no definite date. However, more and more people are acknowledging the Holiday as more and more people are now saying "Happy Holiday" during December.
In place of commandments the FSM church has eight 'I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts'. also known as 'The Flying Spaghetti Condiments':
1) I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay, really, I'm not that vain. Besides this isn't about them so don't change the subject. 2) I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, eviscerate and/or, you know be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for water not people. 3)I really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk. Or well, just play nice, okay? And get this in your thick heads; Woman=Person, Man=Person. Samey, Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we are talking about fashion and I'm sorry ,but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchia. 4) I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is; "Go fuck yourself", unless they find that offensive in which case, they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change. 5) I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynist, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the bastards. 6) I'd really rather you didn't build multimillion-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick): * ending poverty * curing diseases * living in peace * loving with passion * and lowering the cost of cable I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient Being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator. 7) I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting, get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man. Can't you take a hint? 8) I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do to you if you are into, umm, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4) then have at it. And take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did IT, I would have added spikes or something.
It didn't say if these were handed down on stone tablets, but they make a lot of sense to me. To those of you doubting Thomas' who still don't believe, I refer you to Russell's Teapot, (look it up).
But to be a true religion, it helps to be recognized by countries world-wide, and here the FSM church is making some headway, the following countries have given some condescension to the church: Ireland, Russia, Austria, Germany, New Zealand, Israel, the Czech Republic, and the United States. The U.S. Army allows that the ID 'dog' tags can be inscribed - Atheist-FSM.
The following states have allowed FSM believers to be photographed for Drivers Licenses wearing their religious headgear - a colander: Texas, Utah, New York, Massachusetts, Wisconsin, Illinois, Arizona, California, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Nevada.
But, to achieve true recognition in the world, the FSM church must be recognized by the leading authority; Facebook! In the latest list of religions protected from hate-speech on Facebook is Pastifarianism, to wit: "With millions, if not thousands of devoted worshippers, the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is widely considered a legitimate religion even by its opponents - mostly fundamental Christians, who have accepted that our God has bigger balls than theirs."
You heard it here first, Virginia, Believe it!
I'm just sayin'
